I am Play Full

on the Eastern Front.

I'm restless. I need to get out of the city for a bit.

But where...?

I sit and see
three houses from
my porch at night
three houses sit with little lights
playing out silent movies
of other lives
glowing hearts
move across the floor
through the picture box windows
families seeking solace in the
light of each other
silent movies I can watch
at night on my porch
as the leaves become flames
and the wind gets colder
I sit and see
myself from the porch
someday living in a house
with picture box windows
and a girl across the street
smoke cigarettes and says
someday that will be me.
And I will smile and leave the blind open.
I will always leave the blinds open
and the lights glowing bright.

Jenny just stood straight up and barked.  When we let her outside she zoned in on a little moth on the deck and pounced on it.  Well. At least she knows what she wants. Siwwy dog.

Phew.  What a few weeks this has been.  It's been a lot of adjusting to a regular schedule again.  Oh man do I miss sleeping in.  But its worth it.  Its a really great job.  Good people and I really feel like I'm contributing to something.  It's a lot of reading and research, which can get a little slow at times, but it helps to remember what I'm working for, which is helping a great company become even more environmentally conscious.  Yeah!

The wind is telling me that summer is almost over.  I'm going to miss the long days and the warm sun.  But I'm also looking forward to sweaters and blankets and Christmas.  Purrrr.

Dan, Erin and I are going to start looking for a place soon.  And we'll be living with Casey Baird, Erin's friends from college who lives in Portland now.  Its going to be really good to have a place of my own and not live under my parent's roof anymore.  Love them, but, dear lord, it is time. Oh yes.  It is time.

P.S. I really want to play Beatles Rock Band. Really really!!

P.P.S.  Jennifer's Body looks hilarious!  Who want to see it with me?

new job = awesome
Busy yes I am.
need sleepy.
Write soon Later I will.

Reading: The Inferno by Dante [trying again]
                  Mist of Avalon by some chick
                  Assorted graphics [including but not limited to the Sandman series]

Writing: "The Previous and Further Adventures of Robin Goodfellow or How to Cross Earth-Road" a Play in Three(?) Acts

Weather: Hot as Hell [but without all that pesky wailing...well maybe just a little moaning]

Love: Plenty.

Music: Ladytron, Bat for Lashes, Smashing Pumpkins, Hercules and Love Affair, The Doors, Grizzly Bear

Thinking: I wonder if there is anyone out there that I owe an apology to. It's been one of those months when everything seems to be a struggle and yet I've been enjoying myself.  So maybe I'm not sorry...

Grateful: I have a job.  A pretty awesome internship, actually.  I'll be working for Pacific Natural Foods in their Sustainability department.  My commute is going to be a bitch since they're based in Tualatin but it's worth it.  Not exactly sure what I'll be doing for them yet, but I love the company and I'm really excited about this.  Especially because it means that we can start looking for a place to live really soon.  Good,new things.

Craving: A Dance party with my Creatures. Watching "Howl's Moving Castle". Walla Walla Sweet Onion Rings. Spooning/ cuddling. The Ocean/ a Large body of Water

Dog: Looks how I feel: Spread out on the couch, legs a kimbo.

Used a Lot Recently: My library card. My eBay account. The super large green water cup. My writing hand. My ipod. The fan in the living room.  My yoga skillz.

Figuring out: Who I want to be now. How to let go of the past. How to help my parents through the Moving out process...again.

Because sometimes I just get so angry I could punch someone.

Like this douche:



Senator Graham.
       Oh boy.  You are on my list.  You can just tell by the way that he talks in this video that he KNOWS he's on TV and he is playing the the FoxNews Audience like nobody's business.  He is trying to whip up the controversy and do everything he can to make Judge Sotomayer look like a weak judge and too "touchy-feely" to be on the Supreme Court.  Listen up kids, the Judiciary Branch is NOT like the Federal Branch!  They are supposed to be different!  The Supreme Court is not there to take petitions and get wrapped up in politics, like Graham obviously is.  The Supreme Court should function to look at cases objectively and apply the law accordingly.  They don't write the law, they don't change the law.  Society changes and then the laws change according to our votes, but it's not like Sotomayer is going to start a subversive regime once she is appointed to the Supreme Court.  What I have seen of her record and what kind of person she is, she is very good at being objective.  Sotomayer looks at the laws in place, case decisions from the past and at the situation in front of her and makes good solid decisions.  (Here's a good article if you want some examples: www.nytimes.com/interactive/2009/05/26/us/0526-scotus.html )
        But Senator Graham here is getting a little sensationalist on us. He is condescending to Sotomayer and in my opinion a little rude.  This is a hearing, and he's supposed to be a lawyer, but he's behaving like someone on a bad cable drama acting like a lawyer. Who does he think he's fooling? This courtroom is too smart to be taken in by jock-strap lawyers like him, jawing away. (Judge Sotomayer is, might at add, cool as a cucumber and I applaud her for that)  So Graham is also playing to another audience here.  His loving Fox News watchers.  How professional of him to bring them into this courtroom.  But then again media in the courtroom has always disturbed me, so you are allowed to disregard what I'm saying here, but it brings a subjectivity into the courtroom that does not belong.
      I applaud President Obama's choice to appoint Judge Sotomayer into the Supreme Court.  She has more then enough experience and a good head on her shoulders.  I believe that she will make smart, objective, highly researched decisions that will take in society's changes as a factor.  (Here's another good article about some or her background: www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/05/01/sonia-sotomayor-supreme-c_n_194470.html, though the picture cracks me up a little.)

     But that's beside the point I'm making.  All I want to do is slap Graham around a little.  I don't think he's doing his job.  He's just a whipper-upper.  I despise republicans like that, who think by talking like a preacher they can win more votes and stir up some controversy.  I am so sick of that bullshit.  And I'm sure most of our country is too.  So Graham, save it for the South Carolina voters, you're going to need it, because I don't think you're going to last much longer behaving like a desperate TV actor.

Okay rant over.  Peace out.

Damn you, Mia Micheals.

The Surgery went awesomely, in case you didn't hear the good news!

I feel swollen and covered in ointment and stiff and bruised, but actually it's not that bad compared to some past surgeries.

I have yet to see what my eyelid looks like now though.  The bandage won't come off until this wednesday.
Also I have a really harry-pottery lightning scar on my neck now. Badassery!

Oh yeah and plenty o' vicodin.  That keep me in a pretty good mood. 

Thank you to everyone for the good wishes.  I couldn't have asked for things to go better than they did. Love you all mucho!

This week has been a very tingly week.
Something is buzzing on the wires.
Energies converging and vibrating a million miles a second.

Conrad passed away late last night.  He was just too little.  He will be missed.

Rest in Peace, Tiny Friend.

I am currently eating peach yogurt and honey nut cheerios together.
Best Invention EVER!

Jenny (the mighty hunter) was barking in the kitchen yesterday and when I went to see what the hell was going on, I saw a tiny whiny ball of fur curled up against the air vent, fearing for its life.  It was a baby mouse.  We knew we had mice and recently had captured and freed three full grown mice.  Oh great, I'm thinking, how in the hell are we supposed to get this little guy to his parent?  Clearly he's too small to make it on his lonesome.  And what do I do.  Well, I made it a home. 

His name is Conrad and he enjoys dog biscuit crumbs and low-salt Ritz crackers.  He drinks water from a doll-sized china dish and lives in a pink tissue-box house that I made and stuffed with tissues.  Conrad enjoys cuddling my fingers, dark places and squeaking loudly before he falls asleep.

I mean, Come On! What else was supposed to do?  Kill it!?  Yeah, no.  I don't kill cute, harmless lifeforms, sorry.

Jenny the mighty hunter is both confused and jealous.  Don't worry sweetheart, I still love you more.

p.s. I have "My Life Would Suck Without You" stuck in my head mixed in with "Hot N Cold".
        Kelly Clarkson, I'm going to kill you.  Katy Perry, you may live.

My heart is a little lonely today...


Where are you, soul-mate?
Oh Where? Oh Where!

Let's make PB&J toast together
and watch LOST
and How I Met Your Mother.

Let's write a song about my dog
to the tune of Rocket Man
by rock legend Elton John

Let's take a walk through
a glen and have a picnic.
We'll bring leftover pizza.

Let's go hang out with my friends
and when we get drunk
we'll pass out on their couch.

Of course we'll fight too.
Cause I'll get cold
or you'll get scared,

But the make up sex will be great
Cause you know how to warm me up
and I know how to make you feel safe.

That's what soul-mates do.
Now if only I could find you.

Shmish shmaa sigh.  <3

...am I supposed to try and figure out what this symbol means?



My mom found a nice silver necklace with this on it and she wants me to try and figure it out.
Does anyone know what it means?

I have a strong feeling that this is going to be my new favorite show.

Hey, if you're into musicals, at all, then check this out.

I am totally intrigued.

NEXT TO NORMAL

A poem by Emily Dickinson

 

I’ve known a Heaven, like a Tent—

To wrap its shining Yards—

Pluck up its stakes, and disappear—

Without the sound of Boards

Or Rip of Nail—Or Carpenter—

But just the miles of Stare—

That signalize a Show’s Retreat—

In North America—

 

No Trace—no Figment of the Thing

That dazzled, Yesterday,

No Ring—no Marvel—

Men and Feats—

Dissolved as utterly—

As Bird’s far Navigation

Discloses just a Hue—

A plash of Oars, a Gaiety—

Then swallowed up, of View.

***

The Lives of the Heart

By Jane Hirshfield

 

Are ligneous, muscular, chemical.

Wear birch-colored feathers,

green tunnels of horse-tail reed.

Wear calcified spirals, Fibonaccian spheres.

Are edible; are glassy; are clay; blue schist.

Can be burned as tallow, as coal,

can be skinned for garnet, for shoes.

Cast shadows or light;

shuffle; snort; cry out in passion.

Are salt, are bitter,

tear sweet grass with their teeth.

Step silently into blue needle-fall at dawn.

Thrash in the net until hit.

Rise up as cities, as serpentine magma, as maples,

hiss lava-red into the sea.

Leave the strange kiss of their bodies

in Burgess Shale. Can be found, can be lost,

can be carried, broken, sung.

Lie dormant until they are opened by ice,

by drought.  Go blind in the service of lace.

Are starving, are sated, indifferent, curious, mad.

Are stamped out in plastic, in tin.

Are stubborn, are careful, are slipshod,

are strung on the blue backs of flies

on the black backs of cows.

Wander the vacant whale-roads, the white thickets

heavy with slaughter.

Wander the fragrant carpets of alpine flowers.

Not one is not held in the arms of the rest, to blossom.

Not one is not given to ecstasy’s lions.

Not one does not grieve.

Each of them opens and closes, closes and opens

the heavy gate—violent, serene, consenting, suffering it all.

 

I am going to Montana this Tuesday!
I'm really looking forward to getting out of the city so this will feel very good, I think.
No expectations. Just going with a light spirit and a hug for Caitlin, Tazia and whoever I'll meet there.
I go hope to see some nice nature. :)
I like nature.
Love love love.

If we can be more forgiving of each other,
we can be more forgiving of ourselves,
which means we can be more forgiving of each other...
Its so simple
yet I keep forgetting.

Still here. And I still feel pretty good.

This weekend was full of ups and downs.  The party was amazing.  I haven't laughed that hard for over a year. I thought that the joy would suffocate me.  And to be laughing so much, lying on the kitchen floor with Marty (because Mars and Tori were in the bathroom washing his face, where I had slapped him with a piece of pizza) was all just an extra treat.  And then of course cuddling with all the girls and boys of Tacoma and converting ourselves into a large psychedelic xylophone was also very much a highlight.  Walker and Nick did a great job at their show!  Both those boys hold such special places in my heart and I hope that I will always have them -- whether long distance or short -- in my life.

Then I got back to Portland and I thought everything would be cool, but Friday was a struggle.  I had a somewhat major anxiety attack set on by all the people in Fred Meyer.  What the hell is that about?  Suddenly I could barely breathe, and I felt very disoriented.  But I know how to handle myself now (well, for the most part) and I held it together until we got home.  I canceled my plans for the rest of the day, including Hilary's B-day party.  It broke my heart, because I know that she was disappointed.  But I just couldn't see how I could go downtown without it sending me to a place that I didn't want to go, especially on a night that was supposed to be about her.  But it was one of those decisions that felt wrong no matter what I was going to choose.  I hate that.  I'll just have to make it up to her.

I've been off all drugs for a couple weeks becuase of liver and triglyceride issues set on by the Interferon.  So it's strange to be feeling so good energy wise, but all the while knowing that soon I'm just going to have to go back on all the drugs. Well all the drugs I was on before but in different doses plus a new drug to make sure my thyroid doesn't shut down. So bittersweet would have to be the buzzword for the last couple of weeks.  Bittersweet in a very satisfying way, though. Life-sustaining. Nutritious. Eye-opening. 

I find myself observing my parents more and more.  I'm really trying to understand this whole family love thing.  I feel privileged that I have always had it in my life, but because it's always been there, I have been taking it for granted for a long time.  And now I find myself trying to examine it and understand it more fully.  Unconditional love is truly puzzling and complicated.  The Hugs stand very close to the Cold Shoulders.  And the Discussions stand even nearer to the Yelling/Fighting.  All that love and deep beauty, brings a lot of fear and struggle with it. I wish it could all be easy sailing, but then the love wouldn't be as deep and special if weren't working so hard to find ways to make it work.  becuase we truly want to be in each others' lives. Now that I'm older, I see them as people -- not just some mythical entity or restraints to rebel against -- so they have become my friends as well as my parents.  I know not everyone gets to experience that and I try not to take it for granted.  Once again, bittersweet comes to mind and then I tear up and then I laugh.

Man, am I a cheese ball or what?

Happy Valentine's Day to all my Pretties!